Wow, I wasn’t expecting such an intense visceral reaction to the conversation in class yesterday! I mean, I’ve always believed in the importance of non-violent resistance, of active pacifism. I’ve always believed that there are alternatives to the use of violence to resolve conflict. (Granted, this doesn’t mean I’ve never yelled, never fought with my big brother while growing up, never felt like committing violence!!) But why was my stomach churning for the whole class time? Why did I need an hour in my office after class to quietly and thoroughly come unglued? Why did it take me hours of time with a long hike in the sunshine and quiet of the woods, some helpful listening by coworkers and family, playtime with my children and a glass of good wine before I felt remotely “normal” again?
In hindsight, some of this internal tension started developing earlier. Last week I was pre-reading/screening a book for Benjamin about a Jewish family escaping from Russia during the pogroms. (Some of Phil’s/Benjamin’s/Alta’s ancestors were Russian Jews). Then on Thursday as I was reading for class, I ended up reading details about the Vietnam War, specifically about the My Lai massacre by US soldiers. Both of these moved the whole topic out of the nicely intellectual level of the readings and started putting real people into it for me again - both people who were behaving horrifically, people who were dying in terrible ways and people who were putting their own lives in danger to protect others.
War is always such a waste! What a waste of lives – people killed, people who have to deal for the rest of their lives with the killing or torturing they’ve done or the things they’ve seen & experienced. What a waste of money! What a waste of so many beautiful and amazing places, plants and creatures!
I think part of what really topped it off for me yesterday was thinking again about the ways I contribute to this horror while saying I’m a pacifist. Through the portions of my taxes that go into the military budgets, through my taxes that go to pay Israel $7 MILLION each day in spite of the systematic marginalization and dehumanization of the Palestinian people, through my use of gasoline and motor oil that pours money into governments that abuse many people within their countries, through my taxes that are sent to Colombia to pay the salaries of soldiers who torture and murder First Nations people there… and through NOT speaking out more strongly to my family, friends, community, church, government against these things.
God forgive me and give me the strength to do what I can from here on out.
2 comments:
Whew. I kjnow how you feel. Sometimes it seems like no matter what we do, are we really making an impact? There a times I feel like my heart is literally breaking when I think of the terrible things that people all over the world are going through. I don't believe war is essential, or inevitable, but I fear the rest of the world will never join me in this. I want my home and family to be safe, but why must we hurt others to do it? Why must I risk my friends and family to help other countries? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!? Ahh yes, resources, religion, and greed. Now I remember. I've got to find a way to keep upbeat about this because it's not working right now. I think you had the right idea with family time and a glass of wine...
It is extremely alarming to think about the impact we have on things within our world simply by living our non-violent day-to-day life. I, too, wish that some of the things I see and hear about would not be true. Unfortunately, we live in a world where Satan can run rampant. We would not still be alive if our work on this earth were complete. Each day is another day to try once again to do the best we can with what we've been given.
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